Guest Post By Amy Michelle Carpenter

*Trigger warnings: this story talks about suicidal ideations*

I’ve told the story of how I bought Monster Ivy Publishing many times. What I haven’t told is this part of the story. The gritty part. The part of the story where I encompass the darkness and light defined by the company’s brand–this part I’ve left out for various reasons, the same reasons that no one speaks out about these sorts of things.

Fear of rejection. Of never being able to take the words back. Of being deemed incompetent. Of people knowing the rawest, darkest parts of you. But this has been readily on my mind the past few days and when Caylah, our social media person, reached out to me asking for a story about my journey with the company, I took it as a sign from God that it’s time.

I have struggled with thoughts of suicide

For years, I have been struggling with suicidal ideations because of abuse experiences and anxiety.

However, I have never been as serious about acting on my feelings as I was two days before I found out about Monster Ivy’s planned closure back in 2021.

Despite having on-and-off feelings where I’d wished for death throughout the years, this moment felt very out of the blue. In hindsight, I truly believe it was an attempt from the devil who knew what was coming in a few days–who knew God would be calling me to His work in a way He hadn’t yet. In the depths of a black night, I was engulfed by an attack of darkness.

It completely overcame me with thoughts of worthlessness. I felt like everyone would be better off without me. My children would be better raised by someone without my lack of parenting skills. My husband and parents could give them a better chance at life.

And a continued list of things I can no longer remember. And that I no longer believe about myself.

This is the first time I did the research on how to do it. I slipped away and hyped myself up so that I could finally end things. And then, I didn’t do it. 

I walked away and crawled back into bed and, in the morning, the sun rose and light came. And I moved on from that odd and slightly random mental attack.

Monster Ivy Publishing gave me hope

About two days later, Mary Gray made the post that Monster Ivy was shutting down.

This is the part of the story I’ve told many times. The part where I was getting my Masters in publishing. The part where I had worked in the publishing industry in a variety of ways and had previously daydreamed about owning a company. The part where Monster Ivy was my favorite publishing house, and I just couldn’t let it go. The part where I studied and prayed and asked God, and even though the task seemed far too daunting, I knew that the company needed saving and that–even if others might be better equipped to do it–I might have been the only one at the moment willing to do so.

And so I bought the company.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=Ao2Ps4qVMzU%3Fsi%3D9hZzKS9VW_P3_paS

I can say with full confidence that Monster Ivy has saved me. God knew that I needed that sense of purpose in my life. He knew that when the dark moments crept in and I told myself anyone else would do all my other jobs better than me that this one thing I could be confident in needing to be here for because no one else would do it.

The chains of darkness that were wrapped so tightly around me have slowly begun unwinding, as I have found a sense of cathartic relief and a better understanding of my own experiences through our stories, of the realities I’ve faced, and as I reached out for counseling and sought personal growth. Even recently, my husband supported my desire to leave our old home and go to Texas, and the fresh start has brought even more healing.

The light has come and continues to grow in my life. I only needed to wait two days for Him to start His work.

Darkness comes before the light

This story reminds me of another one. And I ask for forgiveness in sharing because I generally make a rule to only share Bible stories with our fans, but this felt so relevant to my own, I have reflected on it many, many times.

There was a young fourteen-year-old who was also lost and seeking answers. He said,

“I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction. 

But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction—not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being—just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.”

Jesus Sees Our Despair

In my church, we often skip over that gritty part of the story to tell only the beautiful part where this poor farm kid saw Jesus. But the truth is we all experience that pain. We all experience that overwhelming darkness. We all despair and suffer, often silently. And we all need to know that the light will come again.

Jesus is there. He loves you. He will rid the Earth of all the pain and damage and ache. And he can rid you of your aches and pains too.

The light may descend gradually, but it will come.

So, if you feel like all is lost (as I did), your hope may only be two days away. In an eventual morning, light will rise.

Allow yourself two days.

About Amy Michelle Carpenter

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